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This time i'll do it right

can i?

4/11/07 09:41 pm

Start out by setting the scene for this. It’s dark; the only light in the room is the light from the computer monitor I’ve been starring at for hours. There is soft music in the background and that is the only thing that can be heard in the house. It’s completely dark out side except for the lonely streetlight across the street. The last light goes out across the street as everyone finally goes to bed after yet another beautiful day. I’m still up; I can’t sleep. It’s fairly normal for me to stay up for hours just thinking about the day and wondering what could have gone differently. I’ve pondered about everything I possibly could tonight. I’ve noticed how dark it actually is tonight. Yes very dark it is, yes very dark.
The dark is the only place I seem to feel home lately. I do all of my writing at night, all my thinking I do at night, and tonight is no exception. Sitting in my big leather desk chair I continue to stare at the bright screen. I’m talking to a few friends and still listening to soft music as my mind runs wild. I look around the room with the red glow of my bathroom light that turns on with the timer with a distant click. The red bulb adds light to the scene. My eyes get harder to open with every blink as if they were getting stacked with weights. My fingers start to move slower as if they were slowly losing contact with my hands. The screen blurs, and my vision is getting worse by the second. But the words fly on the screen like soaring eagles threw the blue sky. But it’s black, very black. The only birds I’ve ever seen were black crows. They have that annoying caw and they are everywhere around here. Crows are the bird of horror and tonight the crows are circling the one lonely streetlight with machine like precision. With another quick glance at the street light it went out and the crows disappeared. Its now very early in the morning and my head is impossible to hold up and my eyes are just barely hanging on to the open and awake idea. The crows added a dark scene to my mind, it almost set me in to my dark and depressed mode but the street light jolted it’s way back up to brightness and the crows were no longer circling. With another glance at the street light the crows were still missing. I sighed, put my head in my hands for a brief moment and continued talking to my friends that were still awake like me. The conversations deepened and the feelings I felt increased. Emotion running like a river over a waterfall as I still stayed awake somehow. Feelings bled profusely from the writings of a good friend. My mind to tired to comprehend the extent of the meaning meant but I could only numbingly X out what was sent and reply in one-word answers. MY mind now numb to everything it receives; I forget even whom I’m talking to. My head now hits the desk in a lifeless collapse and I’m now fast asleep. The IM ring wakes me right back up with a blasting high pitch ring like the caw of yet another crow. Awake and now alert I take a long look around at my dark surroundings. The streetlight was shining bright in the dark sky and the crows were sitting on the top. I look at the monitor; I can now start to comprehend the writing of my good friend. The night that started out to be like any other night is now a night with a multitude of feelings let out through the his keys and onto my screen. Writing by the fingers from his heart are now read threw my tired eyes. The screen now turns into a pool of feelings and it’s now coming up on four in the morning. Sleep again starts to wreak havoc on my body. My mind is slowly crumbling down with every second that has gone by. Again my head seemed to fall off my shoulders and again I fell asleep. The sun went on with the day with out me. I slept all day and I woke up when the sun was setting in the west once again. So I started my day just like any other, I walked up to the switch on the wall and I flipped it. It produced a spark and the lights went on. The light blinded me temporarily so I blinked and strained my eyes to see the previously dark room. Eventually my eyes had adjusted to the sudden burst of light in the room. I quickly finished picking up everything off the floor and I turned off the lights for another long night in the computer room. I hit the button to turn on the computer and with a click the screen quickly struggled to project the picture of the computer lingo at start up. The computer hurried to start up and it soon was done. I quickly clicked on the messenger to connect me to the server. The computer greeted me with pop up ads and the names of my friends that are on. Struggling to read the screen, I felt around for my glasses. They were hiding on me behind the desk. I shined the flashlight into the darkness behind the desk and the glare from the lenses gave them up. I crawled underneath the desk and picked them up and then put them on. They restored the text on the screen so it was recognizable. I then started to talk to everyone again. Again the time passed quickly and it was getting dark fast. The keys clicking and the screen glowing were the only signs of life that could be seen or heard. There was coolness to the air as the heat shut off for the night and my fingers started to get cold. But the cold air only led to the cold feeling in my heart as I watched a friend’s life crumble right before my eyes. He typed out everything to the tiniest detail. He even let me know what the last thing he thought about was going to be. I was absolutely helpless. The shock of a friend doing that froze me; it made me numb to the world. I could do nothing as the video feed popped up on my screen. He must have taken over my computer; I can do nothing. I can’t type or exit the video. I had a quick burst of thought as I quickly ran to the phone but it was dead. Just like the fucking movies I thought, what a time. I took a quick look out the window at the streetlight; I could see all the wires hanging free from the poles just swinging as the crows circled the light. I jumped back onto the computer and my mouth dropped as he typed his final words, now completely helpless I sat there a watched him tie the rope slowly around his neck, climb up onto the very chair that I had sat on many times, and he tied the other end of the old rope to the rafter as if he had practiced the act before. He double-checked the knots at both ends and pulled them tightly. He walked to the end of the chair, stepped with one foot off the chair waved goodbye and let his other foot go. The chair fell on its back; there was no turning back, no giving up. The initial tension of the rope couldn’t break his neck, so he sat there suffocating. His face turned all the colors of the rainbow, as he just hung there, not once sense of regret in his face. In the same house that we used to hang out in, now became his murder weapon. He had hung himself with all his friends watching in the locked in video chat screens. None of us could do anything either we lived to far away or we just froze. None of us ever took him seriously when he threatening to kill himself. I knew him the best and honestly I never thought he would actually do it. But he actually proved me wrong for once the only fucking time. For once he proved me wrong and he didn’t live to enjoy it. Physically and mentally shaken up from the horror I had just watched, I tried to get up and call for help but the chair ran away as I got up and I fell to the ground like I had no legs. My legs useless to me I tried to yell. My voice had disappeared. My arms had never let me down before but the one time I needed them the most they collapsed. But the phone had called for help; the computer had also called for help. He screamed out for help but it didn’t arrived in time. Lying helpless on the floor I began to sob and the sob quickly turned into an all out hard cry. I had just watched my best friend kill himself and I was lying on the floor helpless and hopeless. After lying there on the ground for what seemed like days I finally fell asleep. As soon as my eyes closed the sun came in slowly through the broken blinds. The warmth and brightness woke me up after days of sleep. The sun tapped me on the back and told me to get up. I was still in shock and disbelief about that whole night; I tried to call him. No answer, no answer at all. I tried calling his neighbor, also no answer. I now started to accept the fact that he was gone. I went to a girl for help. I girl that I knew I could trust. I went to talk and she just hung up on me. I called back; she hung up again. Getting the point she didn’t want to talk to me, I called someone else, someone that hadn’t been around for that long, a new girl in the school and I started to talk

4/11/07 09:34 pm

well today was a long day...

got out and hit some golf balls at the driving range for class...

yeah it was fun

had a few beers with mike battle...is was cool...

went to honors performance...it was nice...

i'm gonna stop writing like this...ok cool

---jorah

4/9/07 09:25 pm

why don't i feel like moving from this damn chair ne more?

4/4/07 07:13 pm

yes...

the winter is over...the best one of my life...

maybe not snowwise...but good time wise...i didn't have to ride alone much...and that was nice...

i really honed my skiing skills and my snowboarding is just smooth...and i'm soo happy about it...too bad its over but o well next year i will be up north prolly...

yeahh

sooo

bye winter hello summer and a new school

3/28/07 06:28 pm

have you ever just felt the need to sit down and write? well i'm sure we all have cuase well that's what live journal is for...

alright well

latly everything has been good...nothing crazy going on...just good stuff...

i'm in love with caitlin, the mtn has been good...it closes this weekend...its been a good year...

i've let another person kinda into my shell of existance and i don't really know why...

there is a whole other way that i see the world that i don't think any one else does. I think it might be selfish to think that i'm the only one that sees some things...but i think i'm kinda right.

i see things in a much less hostile way, everything just kind of flows...and somedays i just know where everything is and why its that way. but latly in all these good social times i've felt and know something werid is going on with my body. i've been drooling alot...and i've had these dizzy spells where my head just kinda goes out...and floats for a little while...everything hurts again....my knees and shoulders are just sore...but they arn't holding me back...

i've come to a point to where i want to do so much but never end up doing it. All i do is work latly...i work and drive to cornell...which is awesome...but i don't kno what happend to all the good friend times we used to have...it seems like work and trying to pratice and failing at that...the weeks just fly by and next thing i kno its that class again and i'm not prepared...and i'm like wtf where did the week go...i don't kno whats happening to the time...

i used to live for the moment and now its not that at all....everything is just working toward a deadline...everything is deadlines...this is due then and this is due now...

why must this world be soo based on education...can't it be based on what we can do...not what we have to do to make some "educational god" happy?

why must everyone focus on the bad and tell you what you did wrong and tell you that your brain function is down and that your going to have a hard time doing this but do it....i can't do it...

the i think i can motto is dead to me...i'm sick of trying to do things i fail at...i'm not doing ne thing right it seems...i've some how managed to just be bad at everything i used to do well...and to have most of this shit count for nothing i think is just bad...i've lost motivation...cause this whole college experience is just so they can tell you what to do even more...fuck i can't get started....

i'm done

1/29/07 06:16 pm - i wrote this 3 years ago...but i'm proud of it

well i opened this window to write an update with heart felt words and to tap on keys moist with my tears but i somehow lost my thoughts with the hole i just put through my head with my new best friend...

my thoughts are now on the wall and i'm on the floor and all my feelings around me in a red pool...

my friend lay smoking from the burst of sudden anger inflicted from a pull of my finger...


and my killer, my best friend spits out the waste and it falls next to me on the floor...

i always wished it would be you that pulled the trigger...but u kno i did it in ur honor...i did it with u in my head...

i wrote ur name on the bullet and i locked it into place, the first shot i put into my foot that u stepped on dancing to our song...the 2nd i put into my left hand that u used to hold...the 3rd i put into my sholder that u cried on so many times...the 4th ridded u from my mind forever, in fact it ridded me of my mind completly and gave it to my wall in peices...

now my parents walk up the stairs in fear from the 4 loud bangs, they walk into my room to find me laying in a red pool of my feelings with my new bestfriend in my hand and the casing with ur name on it close by, with 3 in the chamber my dad picked up the gun...as my mother dropped to her knees in tears...he ended the pain for her...and then he turned on himself...twice...

two rounds to the head in your name...with your name also on these casings...

my new best friend destroyed my family cause i couldn't have you...my new best friend took the happyness away from my family...teenage love is not a game...teenage love is the route of most sucides amoung us...young love is a common destroyer of homes, familys and towns everywhere...

my new best friend killed me and my family...my new best friend and i...act in dispite of my old best friend...

1/29/07 06:14 pm

Recently nothing has gone wrong
Things going way to easily to seem
Well real to me after all there was
There’s been turmoil and conflict galore;
Family fights and no one to confide in
Weeks of being strung along. And it was always no,
He’s crazy. Well yes I’m crazy and there’s nothing;
Nothing to do here tonight. It seems that all happened.
Its all happened for a reason, this life. Definition is nothing but
A relative factor to something.
As life, life was explained to be a mystery no one can solve
But this life can throw a counterpoint at you.
Everything can line up but never will,
Remember who you love and keep her there.
There is always turmoil and conflict galore.

1/22/07 05:04 pm - kinda feeling an update

yeah...soo cruisin through facebook today i've realized how old and grown up we've all gotten...and wow its been a hell of a ride hasn't it?

god i remember when we could just "play" all day and like never had ne point to ne thing...life was just pointless to us...and now its like holy shit i'm not a teenager ne more i'm a fucking adult...but i'm not grown up in my head...i'm aging on paper...and it scares the shit outta me...

this is my 2nd year outta highschool...it don't seem possible does it? not to me...i remember it all like it was yesterday...

damn i hated it soo much back then....but now i see how much of a good time i had...

but its just crazy how people have changed...and who we talk to and who we're friends with...and how a sleep over now isn't about have ur best friends over to watch movies and drink mtn dew...nothing is a simple as it used to be...now theres nothing like there used to be in our lives is there?

but this is the way the world runs...its crazy

but i'm more comfy than i ever have been b4...i smile more than have in a long time....but i realize i'm still crazy fucked up in my head...but it dosen't matter as much ne more...maybe when i snap i'll just blame that but i don't think i'm going to ne more...

i remember how i used to update this thing all the time...and how i would check back all the time just to see if ne one else had posted their thoughts...but lj has died...myspace took over...sad...but myspace will soon get run over by facebook and who knows what will pop up with next....i'm just happy to be me latly...and now that i'm back to school after many a good days at the mtn...i'm happy...i'm in shape(for the most part) and i just feel better (not today cause of last night) but in general...

it was great to get back and see everyone....its really gonna suck when i move on to a different school...but o well shit happends i'll still always have everyone here that we've had such a good time together...yes...this is a little early for a farwell letter but whatever...i'll miss everyone ne way...

but being content with life is a great feeling...and i think i've finally decided what i wanna do with my life...this is not a normal update is it? i'm not bitching or complaining i'm not sad or discontent...werid...i think snow has made me crazy...

---jorah

12/3/06 03:54 am

this girl has seriously made me a differnet person....

she's gotten into my head
and like everything she's said
it makes me notice
that i'm really not that bad any more

i must have finially done something right
her eyes shine way to blue and bright....
something good happend that night
i must have finially done something right

9/17/06 10:26 pm - i can't even think about it

well its over with...my band life as it was is over...

lost for words is over...and so is slightly off...

i'm out of both and slightly off just dosen't exist ne more except in my songs if i can figure out a way to play them alone...and i'll prolly try...soo yeah

it was hard...and crazy...but i had to...it just hasn't been the same as it used to be in soo long...but whatever...

its over its done with best of luck to them as they have wished it onto me too....soo ne way

i'm a bass player/keyboard and vocals...and i'm lookin...a little not very hard tho...kinda wanna stay outta the scene for a while...see some shows...and just chill...o well ne way

make sure to check out my solo project on whoever reads this...

www.myspace.com/differentstory


ttyl

---jorah
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